Part of Speech: noun
Definition: a dramatic technique in which actors identify as closely as possible with the character played by correlating experiences from their personal lives to the character.
I've spent the past week going through the motions, so to speak, seeing as nothing really matters much around here considering I leave in a mere few days. Today hasn't necessarily been a good day. The panic of it all has slowly begun to settle in, and it's seriously freaking me out. It's cold feet, I suppose. I've begun to fear leaving and this risk. Have I made the wrong choice? Would it be best if i simply just decided to stay and work it out somehow down here? I know the answers to those questions, and I know, deep down, that taking off is indeed what is best for me, but that doesn't take away from the fact that there is much self-doubt and fear. Nightmares of failure. In my all too comfortable self-deprecating fashion, I feel as if I've failed too much here in my life, and I need to succeed significantly soon, or this'll all only get worse. Sincere, unabated happiness is what I'm looking for, and while I doubt tremendously that it truly exists, I'm just going to say that that's my natural pessimism attempting to poison hope and it's endless glee.
All the world's a stage,What I've come to realize in the past few days is how I somehow developed a variety of masks, in a sense, depending on where I was, who I was with, and what my intentions were. It was a sad realization, I must admit, but still a necessary realization nonetheless. What seemed most significant in all of it, though, was the admiration I had for but one of my facades. I can be angry, aggressive, damaging both to myself and others, and blatantly disrespectful and kamikaze. But I can be sweet, charming, content, and generally positive, caring, and hopeful. While I can display different aspects of myself, different masks to the same people, there's still a true face beneath it all. It's amazing when one really stands still and acknowledges who they are, or who they have been. Sweet, charming, loving. In love, out of love, content, though. A smile, the smile of mine I love as much as they did, he vanished for a bit, at least the most sincere of smiles I have in my arsenal, disappeared. While I can say that I did indeed try hard to find him and bring him back, I knew as well as the next that I was looking in all the wrong places, whether it was at the back of a little bag of white love, the bottom of a murky bottle, or in the drunken debauchery of a one night stand. I looked so hard, tried my best, but deep down I knew it was a fruitless endeavor, and I was in no way going to find what it was that I was looking for. So this must bear the question, will I find it? I sincerely hope and feel that I will. I must, in my opinion. Am I leaving so as to do so? Perhaps, but not necessarily in the way that one would immediately think.
And all the men and women merely players:
They have their exits and their entrances;
And one man in his time plays many parts.
I honestly feel that I'm not running away from anyone or anything, whether that be myself or others, and if you think that I am, well, you can go suck a dick. I do know that I'm looking for something, though, and it's that unabated happiness, which is indeed why I'm doing this. This is what I want to do, and if, in doing what it is that I want, I can find happiness, than more power to me. Could I possibly be wrong? Absolutely, but that doesn't necessarily mean that I will be wrong. All I know is that I feel it's worth the shot, worth the effort, and if it doesn't work than at least I know that I tried. It's out there, the unabated, and it may be across the street, across town, across the country, or across the world, but I do feel that it's out there, and I'll find it, through living, loving, and trying my best to be as best as I intend.
We need a record of our failures.With that, I bid you adieu. Be well.
Yes, we must document our love.
I have sat too long in my silence.
I have grown too old in my pain.
To shed this skin, be born again,
it starts with an ending.
So, thank you, friends, for the time we shared.
My love stays with you like sunlight and air.
Oh, how I truly wish I could keep hanging around here
But my joy is covering me. Soon, I will disappear.
