Right, so, as I stated last night/early this morning (if you want to get all technical and such), I am very unemployed right now. About as unemployed as one can possibly get.
I suppose this calls for an explanation of sorts, an answer to the potential inquiries, but there's really nothing to say. I was unhappy at my last job, unhappy with how things were being run, with the focus on all the things that had yet to get done, rather than the things that had gotten done, and with the maniacal nature of the industry in which I found myself working in. Not to say that I was some sort of gift from God that had never erred, I assure you, I surely did. Hell, the fact that I was even still employed long enough to quit was baffling beyond measure. But, after a bit of a heated exchange with the owner, I decided that I no longer wanted to stand for being unappreciated and underpaid. I left, and while it might not have been the smart decision to make financially, it was indeed a decision I made for my own well-being. I've gone a bit loopy in the past few months, and I feel this is a necessary step in the quest to end this strangely unearned quarter-life crisis. Perhaps I beat myself up a bit (fuck it, I definitely do), but I could have done better with the opportunities that were given to me. I built up something wonderful here in Miami, and in the past 7 months I've slowly but surely let everything go. It wasn't necessarily something I did consciously, rather it was an unconscious mix of bad decisions, ill-spent emotional investments, and an entirely encompassing disregard for myself and my overall well-being and happiness. Thusly, I have found myself a bit bored, a bit broke, a bit downtrodden, but breathing.
I'd like to believe that everything will be okay, that I'll grow from this, and all that strangely repetitive hoopla that is always fed to the lesser fortunate by those who don't really care to hear about what you got going on. Simply put, I decided on this, and I'm really not sure how it's going to end. I put myself in this situation. While it sucks and is tremendously unfortunate, my rash emotions and inability to deal with what might not necessarily be right got me here. It's my burden to bear, and I'll bear it. What other choice do I have? If I've gotten this far alive, I might as well see it through to the end.
So, what is one to do? Everything is changing now, and I will admit that I feel a bit pathetic. I'm 24, not 16. At what point must one grow up and deal with the monotony and dreariness of the adult world, seeing as that's where the money is and, let's be honest, we all need a bit of cash in our pockets so as to have a bigger grin? What happened to all those dreams, to become something better, doing something that would indeed make us overwhelmingly happy? Did they vanish? Absolutely not. I'm sure they're there somewhere, but they're hard to see, buried beneath responsibility and the fear of not achieving that which people felt you were meant to achieve. There's still a bit of Pan in these bones, I can assure you of that, but at what point must one sacrifice all that they were in order to grow, adapt, and evolve into that which we seemingly must be?
It's a bit lonely, I'll tell you that. Seeing as I have no money to waste on booze and bits with the mates (and the usual birds), I consistently find myself alone with bootlegged films, Expedition Week on NGC, and Russell Brand's autobiography. I've still some grub left, which is fantastic, but that'll go away too. I'm alright, though.
I do fear the day where I'll once again have to make that monumental decision, the one that every broke man fears... food or cigarettes? Can't afford both, can you, ol' boy?!
I miss that naturally happy self I once was, where I'd wake up happy not because I had a reason to be, but just because I was. I'm sure I'm forgetting a lot of what was going on, though, and I'm sure I wasn't as happy as I remember feeling, but fuck it, I remember smiling often, and I miss that. I was happier once, and I sure as Hell want to get back there.
Boo-hoo, eh? Fucking pity parties. They're always so damn depressing.
Well, seeing as I'm not properly intrigued enough to proceed in any endearing fashion with this bit of writing, I'll end it here.
'Til next time,
W
