Thursday, June 16, 2011
"Stay a while my inner child, I'd like to learn your tricks..."
When I think of Miami, I think of home. When I look online and see my friends, people I knew, the bar, the neighborhood, I smile. And I keep smiling, and I smile so much that it starts to sting, then it starts to hurt as I slowly realize how happy I was with the things that I left behind.
I miss Miami, and I didn't think I'd say that as quickly as I just did. For the first time in my life, I had created something worth having, it seemed, and unlike college, where everyone left after four years, I was the only one to really walk away from it all. I can see that life went on, that the bars open and close, Cervezas still prospers, family still smiles, and friends still meet up for Happy Hour. It's daunting, seeing that life truly doesn't stop. Not that I ever expected it to. It's not like I expected tears from my family, for my friends to stop hanging out at the usual haunts, for Cervezas to board up the windows and close the shop. And I knew it wasn't going to happen that way. But when you actually see that things have moved on, it's strange. Friends I spoke to every day, saw every night, we don't speak as much any more. I might as well be a million miles away. That's life. It's hard to keep in touch with someone you don't know when you'll see again. My family, my sisters are alright. Maybe because I was never really there for them in the first place. I was always too busy. I love them endlessly. I could have showed it more.
Cervezas, a place that I helped build and create, a place that I tried so hard to have succeed, is still succeeding, to an extent that seems to surpass anything I did for them. I'm happy, I truly am, but it's not something I'm a part of anymore. I miss it. I took a lot of things for granted at times back home, but mainly that place. I spent the better part of a year working hard, helping that place grow, not so I could be promoted, but because I sincerely loved what it was, what they did, and the experience we offered. I defended it fiercely, and fought for it and it's reputation always. It was like a family. 6 of us, running a brand new bar, a tiny little beer bar in the heart of South Miami. We grew our selection to rival anyones in the city, we got the New Times and AOL to award us in our first year. We got some of the biggest microbreweries in the country to notice us, and to want to work with us. I was so proud of the things we did, of what we'd built. Then I changed, and over the course of a few months I managed to let it all go. I walked away, not really realizing what it was that I was walking away from. Yea, there were difficulties and differences, but nothing drastic. I should have done better.
Moving back in to my parents house in Miami and starting from scratch was akin to failure on all counts in my eyes. Going home empty handed and angry, I might as well have been 13 years old again. So I decided not to. What I'd built in Miami, what I had created for myself, it was gone. Things were changing, so I walked away, and as much as I miss Miami, I know that what I go back to when I visit won't be the Miami I miss. Things will never be like they were, ever again. The same as when I left college and everything changed. The only solution is to rebuild. Start anew, a fresh, clean slate. Replace what you miss with new things to love, new things to miss later in life.
But when I get home, you know where I'll be. Happy Hour at Boug's with whatever is left of the Five Guys, catching the game at Cervezas with the crew and the best regulars I've ever had, the ones that became some of my best friends. Barhopping in South Miami, shows at Churchill's. I want to pick up my sister's from school and hang out with them. I want to hang out with my nephew. Pool at Shooter's. Coffee and cigarettes, poetry and friends at Starbucks. I'm going to have lunch at Sports Grill with my uncle, I'm going to sing and play songs with the boys. I'm going to go where they know me, love me, and throw in a free drink and a hell of a discount every now and then.
Home isn't a house, a city. Home is the people you've loved, the places you were, and the things you did. Home is happy, it's what you make of it. Rest assured, I'm not sad.
I just miss home.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
"Five guys, assemble!"
I've been writing a lot more in my physical journal, seeing as my computer is broken and pretty much immobile nowadays.
Poetry is flowing again, which is fantastic, but is flourishing probably because I spend a lot of my time off alone. I need to find friends.
Speaking of which, I miss the boys back south. Always an adventure, always a bad idea, always a lot of fun.
Anywho, I've a few things to get done before work. All is well. I'm alive.
-w
Poetry is flowing again, which is fantastic, but is flourishing probably because I spend a lot of my time off alone. I need to find friends.
Speaking of which, I miss the boys back south. Always an adventure, always a bad idea, always a lot of fun.
Anywho, I've a few things to get done before work. All is well. I'm alive.
-w
"Help, I'm alive..."
I hope one day to be confident enough to say exactly what it was that I ran away from.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
"There's just the right amount of awkward..."
Truth be told, friends, I spent a lot of time thinking yesterday. Thinking about where I'm at, how I got here, and where I want to go. Overanalytical, perhaps, but a necessary series of ideas, I feel.
If the purpose of one's life is to stay alive, be happy, and to seize the day, then by all means am I succeeding. I am happy. I am content, for the most part, and I am excited for the probable growth the next few months will bring me, as I begin to emerge on my own in this blustery town. But if the purpose of one's life is to setup up a profoundly productive and admirable future, then I feel that I may be stuck. There's a stagnancy in what it is that I do. I serve tables, I make ridiculously good money, and then I go home. There's no set schedule, and the hours can be a bit long at times. They are inconsistent, to say the least. There's no significant job security, and there's not much room to grow in the company. Maybe I am looking too hard at things and not necessarily enjoying the fruits of my labor, and maybe this is a quarter-life crisis of sorts, but I've gotten older, and I'm no more closer to adulthood than I was when I was 18. Sure, I'm a bit wiser, a bit more worldly, and a bit more experienced, but I want the security of a real job, something I trained for, something I studied for, something I truly worked hard to attain. I have half a Bachelor's degree in English Literature, and I know, as I've been job hunting for the last month, that with that degree, there is a lot of significant work to be found, to be had. Yet, to finish that degree, I'll have to sit and wait a year here in Illinois so as to get in-state residency, to get in-state tuition. I mean, even if I'm 27 when I graduate, I should be happy to have at least done so successfully, but it does illuminate the fact that I spent a lot of the past few years dicking around and not being as seriously motivated as I know I can be, as I know I was at one time.
I suppose this goes hand in hand with a previous entry in which I spoke about forgiving one's self. I sincerely do feel that what happened happened, and it's in the past now. I must admit to myself that I cannot change it, and all that I can do is grow from here on out. I truly have enjoyed much of the past few years of my life, and I've accumulated quite the little bank of stories of adventures and misadventures alike. And while I haven't achieved the highs that I feel I'm capable of, I have achieved and enjoyed a rich life in which I truly learned who I was and what I was made of.
I know I am over analyzing, and to moan on would be an utter sin, but I simply wanted to put it all down in writing, so as to look back on this entry and smile one day. "Wow, look how much I've done since then..." You know, that sort of thing.
Yesterday at work, a couple sat at one of my tables. They ordered a $150 bottle of wine and spoke of their upcoming vacation to Spain, which began this morning. They were real proper well-to-do's, and while they were pleasant and cordial, I did feel as if I were looked down upon a bit by the two's of 'em. But, as any good server does, I smiled and joked and thoroughly tried to have them enjoy their meal, their experience. When his wife went to the restroom, the gentleman motioned me over and told me this: "I've been watching you with all these people at your tables, and while you're really good at what you do, you're better than this. Whatever it is you end up doing in life, I have a real good feeling that you'll be great at it." He then proceeded to close out his tab, tip me astoundingly, and go about his life and his Spanish adventure with his darling chica.
I felt humbled and appreciative. I don't think he knew how significant of a comment that was to me.
I sure hope he's right, though.
If the purpose of one's life is to stay alive, be happy, and to seize the day, then by all means am I succeeding. I am happy. I am content, for the most part, and I am excited for the probable growth the next few months will bring me, as I begin to emerge on my own in this blustery town. But if the purpose of one's life is to setup up a profoundly productive and admirable future, then I feel that I may be stuck. There's a stagnancy in what it is that I do. I serve tables, I make ridiculously good money, and then I go home. There's no set schedule, and the hours can be a bit long at times. They are inconsistent, to say the least. There's no significant job security, and there's not much room to grow in the company. Maybe I am looking too hard at things and not necessarily enjoying the fruits of my labor, and maybe this is a quarter-life crisis of sorts, but I've gotten older, and I'm no more closer to adulthood than I was when I was 18. Sure, I'm a bit wiser, a bit more worldly, and a bit more experienced, but I want the security of a real job, something I trained for, something I studied for, something I truly worked hard to attain. I have half a Bachelor's degree in English Literature, and I know, as I've been job hunting for the last month, that with that degree, there is a lot of significant work to be found, to be had. Yet, to finish that degree, I'll have to sit and wait a year here in Illinois so as to get in-state residency, to get in-state tuition. I mean, even if I'm 27 when I graduate, I should be happy to have at least done so successfully, but it does illuminate the fact that I spent a lot of the past few years dicking around and not being as seriously motivated as I know I can be, as I know I was at one time.
I suppose this goes hand in hand with a previous entry in which I spoke about forgiving one's self. I sincerely do feel that what happened happened, and it's in the past now. I must admit to myself that I cannot change it, and all that I can do is grow from here on out. I truly have enjoyed much of the past few years of my life, and I've accumulated quite the little bank of stories of adventures and misadventures alike. And while I haven't achieved the highs that I feel I'm capable of, I have achieved and enjoyed a rich life in which I truly learned who I was and what I was made of.
I know I am over analyzing, and to moan on would be an utter sin, but I simply wanted to put it all down in writing, so as to look back on this entry and smile one day. "Wow, look how much I've done since then..." You know, that sort of thing.
Yesterday at work, a couple sat at one of my tables. They ordered a $150 bottle of wine and spoke of their upcoming vacation to Spain, which began this morning. They were real proper well-to-do's, and while they were pleasant and cordial, I did feel as if I were looked down upon a bit by the two's of 'em. But, as any good server does, I smiled and joked and thoroughly tried to have them enjoy their meal, their experience. When his wife went to the restroom, the gentleman motioned me over and told me this: "I've been watching you with all these people at your tables, and while you're really good at what you do, you're better than this. Whatever it is you end up doing in life, I have a real good feeling that you'll be great at it." He then proceeded to close out his tab, tip me astoundingly, and go about his life and his Spanish adventure with his darling chica.
I felt humbled and appreciative. I don't think he knew how significant of a comment that was to me.
I sure hope he's right, though.
"Chicago"
A great poem by Carl Sandburg... you're welcome!
HOG Butcher for the World,
Tool Maker, Stacker of Wheat,
Player with Railroads and the Nation's Freight Handler;
Stormy, husky, brawling,
City of the Big Shoulders:
They tell me you are wicked and I believe them, for I
have seen your painted women under the gas lamps
luring the farm boys.
And they tell me you are crooked and I answer: Yes, it
is true I have seen the gunman kill and go free to
kill again.
And they tell me you are brutal and my reply is: On the
faces of women and children I have seen the marks
of wanton hunger.
And having answered so I turn once more to those who
sneer at this my city, and I give them back the sneer
and say to them:
Come and show me another city with lifted head singing
so proud to be alive and coarse and strong and cunning.
Flinging magnetic curses amid the toil of piling job on
job, here is a tall bold slugger set vivid against the
little soft cities;
Fierce as a dog with tongue lapping for action, cunning
as a savage pitted against the wilderness,
Bareheaded,
Shoveling,
Wrecking,
Planning,
Building, breaking, rebuilding,
Under the smoke, dust all over his mouth, laughing with
white teeth,
Under the terrible burden of destiny laughing as a young
man laughs,
Laughing even as an ignorant fighter laughs who has
never lost a battle,
Bragging and laughing that under his wrist is the pulse.
and under his ribs the heart of the people,
Laughing!
Laughing the stormy, husky, brawling laughter of
Youth, half-naked, sweating, proud to be Hog
Butcher, Tool Maker, Stacker of Wheat, Player with
Railroads and Freight Handler to the Nation.
HOG Butcher for the World,
Tool Maker, Stacker of Wheat,
Player with Railroads and the Nation's Freight Handler;
Stormy, husky, brawling,
City of the Big Shoulders:
They tell me you are wicked and I believe them, for I
have seen your painted women under the gas lamps
luring the farm boys.
And they tell me you are crooked and I answer: Yes, it
is true I have seen the gunman kill and go free to
kill again.
And they tell me you are brutal and my reply is: On the
faces of women and children I have seen the marks
of wanton hunger.
And having answered so I turn once more to those who
sneer at this my city, and I give them back the sneer
and say to them:
Come and show me another city with lifted head singing
so proud to be alive and coarse and strong and cunning.
Flinging magnetic curses amid the toil of piling job on
job, here is a tall bold slugger set vivid against the
little soft cities;
Fierce as a dog with tongue lapping for action, cunning
as a savage pitted against the wilderness,
Bareheaded,
Shoveling,
Wrecking,
Planning,
Building, breaking, rebuilding,
Under the smoke, dust all over his mouth, laughing with
white teeth,
Under the terrible burden of destiny laughing as a young
man laughs,
Laughing even as an ignorant fighter laughs who has
never lost a battle,
Bragging and laughing that under his wrist is the pulse.
and under his ribs the heart of the people,
Laughing!
Laughing the stormy, husky, brawling laughter of
Youth, half-naked, sweating, proud to be Hog
Butcher, Tool Maker, Stacker of Wheat, Player with
Railroads and Freight Handler to the Nation.
Monday, May 2, 2011
...and that's how you make it work!
It's been a little while since I updated, yes, but I had valid reason! I've been starting anew here in this gusty city, and I feel that it deserved all of my attention if I was to succeed. Valid?
Anywho, things in Chicago have been up and down. It was much more frightening once I got here. I know two people, I have a limited amount of money, no leads on any jobs, and a really pessimistic mentality. I got homesick, I got angry, I questioned my intentions and my capabilities, or lack thereof, as I thought. Needless to say, while I was freaking the fuck out, I hunted. I trolled the Interwebs and the streets, applying everywhere and hoping for anything. I got absolutely no calls back. Not one. So, six days after I arrived, a week ago today, I decided I was going to start following up and badgering people to give me work. If I annoy them enough, they'll have no choice but to hire me, right? I thought so. Before I was to begin my incessant bugging, I decided to check Craigslist for any new job postings. I came across a new posting from a higher end Italian place a few train stops away. I figured I'd go in and apply, drop of my resume, and then badger, badger, badger the hell out of them. I got hired on the spot and started the next day.
Fuck...yes!
The people are great, the money is apparently phenomenal, and I'm good at it. While I don't necessarily want to be serving tables, it's a good gig with good money and it allows me the solace of knowing that there is an income to rival any spending I might do. Bigger things may come, but I'm satisfied.
In regards to the city and my stay thus far, I've been a bit blessed. Erin and her roomies are fantastic, and the fact that they're willing to accommodate me until I can accommodate myself is truly awesome. I try my best to make sure they all know of my appreciation, and I hope I'm doing well.
The city, though, the city is fantastic. Everyone is so damn nice! I still get a kick out of just walking around the city. It's crazy how beautiful and tremendous, how comforting yet overwhelming it can be. When I first arrived, I didn't truly feel as if I belonged. I didn't have a job, so I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to stay. My emotions have done a 180 now. The city is vibrant, and I'm sure there's so much more that I have yet to even experience. Actually, I know it. It's cold here, and i'm adapting, but apparently there's so much more to Chicago once it warms up a bit.
Arctic Monkeys in Milwaukee on May 27th, Lollapalooza 2011, maybe the Dave Matthews Caravan Tour? There's a lot to look forward to. :)
I have a lot more to say, I'm sure, but it's so damn nice outside this window that I need to get out there and experience it. A day off!
Take it easy, but take it!
-w
Anywho, things in Chicago have been up and down. It was much more frightening once I got here. I know two people, I have a limited amount of money, no leads on any jobs, and a really pessimistic mentality. I got homesick, I got angry, I questioned my intentions and my capabilities, or lack thereof, as I thought. Needless to say, while I was freaking the fuck out, I hunted. I trolled the Interwebs and the streets, applying everywhere and hoping for anything. I got absolutely no calls back. Not one. So, six days after I arrived, a week ago today, I decided I was going to start following up and badgering people to give me work. If I annoy them enough, they'll have no choice but to hire me, right? I thought so. Before I was to begin my incessant bugging, I decided to check Craigslist for any new job postings. I came across a new posting from a higher end Italian place a few train stops away. I figured I'd go in and apply, drop of my resume, and then badger, badger, badger the hell out of them. I got hired on the spot and started the next day.
Fuck...yes!
The people are great, the money is apparently phenomenal, and I'm good at it. While I don't necessarily want to be serving tables, it's a good gig with good money and it allows me the solace of knowing that there is an income to rival any spending I might do. Bigger things may come, but I'm satisfied.
In regards to the city and my stay thus far, I've been a bit blessed. Erin and her roomies are fantastic, and the fact that they're willing to accommodate me until I can accommodate myself is truly awesome. I try my best to make sure they all know of my appreciation, and I hope I'm doing well.
The city, though, the city is fantastic. Everyone is so damn nice! I still get a kick out of just walking around the city. It's crazy how beautiful and tremendous, how comforting yet overwhelming it can be. When I first arrived, I didn't truly feel as if I belonged. I didn't have a job, so I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to stay. My emotions have done a 180 now. The city is vibrant, and I'm sure there's so much more that I have yet to even experience. Actually, I know it. It's cold here, and i'm adapting, but apparently there's so much more to Chicago once it warms up a bit.
Arctic Monkeys in Milwaukee on May 27th, Lollapalooza 2011, maybe the Dave Matthews Caravan Tour? There's a lot to look forward to. :)
I have a lot more to say, I'm sure, but it's so damn nice outside this window that I need to get out there and experience it. A day off!
Take it easy, but take it!
-w
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Liars and thieves, you know not what is in store!
I guarantee that I will update soon about all that is going on up here in the Windy City. It's been a whirlwind thus far, and it's consumed damn near all of my time, but I have every intention of updating shortly. Stay tuuuned!
:)
:)
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