"It is the confession, not the priest, that gives us absolution."

Oscar Wilde was a hell of an author. The quote above was his. Meaningful, deep, yet simple. Honest and truthful. I like reading quotes, and that one resonated and led me to thinking.

What is guilt?

We have all felt it, guilt. We've all done things that we weren't necessarily proud of. We'd like to think that we're good people, and I believe that many of us are indeed good. But even the good do bad, as it's human nature to err. So we've all, at times, found ourselves bearing the burdens of the things we've done. Some, though, find it easier to let go of the guilt, to forgive themselves for these things.

I don't necessarily find myself subscribing to that method, though, and it's a tedious burden indeed.

A friend of mine, a yogi, found herself talking to a shaman from New Mexico. When the conversation wound it's way to the topic of guilt, the shaman reminded my friend that humans are the only creatures on Earth that feel guilt or regret. It's a strange thought, when we think of how different the human animal can be from those that surround him. Does the shark pity the seal? Does the mantis pity the mate that she decapitated? While we can never surely know, we can be pretty sure that they don't.

Guilt weighs heavy on me, personally. I find it hard to forgive myself for the bad that I've done in my past. While I've never truly believed in any real religion, I've always found myself weary of karma, weary of the repercussions for my actions, whether I was caught or not. It's become a heavy load, this guilt, and I've found myself questioning whether or not I deserve to be happy, to be content and satisfied. After what I've done, why would I ever deserve good? Like a zealot, I sometimes find myself punishing myself for deeds I feel that I deserve punishment for. It's a warped, tragic existence, this I know, but it's an existence I know nonetheless. Should I be happy to exist woefully, or woeful for existing in such a capacity? Like so many times before, my questions seem to only lead to further questions, and a sick little cycle begins a-spinning.

I don't feel that people deserve to hurt. Does that make me hypocritical? Probably. Regardless of whatever bad someone might partake in, that doesn't necessarily mean that they have to forever pay for what it is that they did. People deserve forgiveness. Yet, why don't I feel that I deserve the same? Surely, that which I've done isn't the worst, and if they deserve it, why don't I feel like I deserve it too?

I find myself pensive once more. Letting go isn't in my nature, but it should be. It should be something we can all do, to let go of the burdens that plague us and frolic in the freedom that is forgiveness and the acknowledgement of one's self-worth. I'm not there yet, but I have absolute faith that I will be, in time.

That which we've done isn't who we are, it's how we react and adapt. Learning, growing, evolving, changing, adapting. That's life, isn't it?

Consider this my confession, consider me absolved. Thanks, Oscar, you dandy.

Just a thought...

They say that the older you get, the more things stay the same. Slowly, over time, you learn how to "get things done". Things are supposedly getting easier, easier to manage, easier to overcome, easier to see.

Well, frankly, they lied.

In my experience, I've found that everything truly boils down to perception, in one way or another. Nothing truly gets any easier, we're just capable of seeing it in different ways. One event, situation, hell, even one glance can be perceived in drastically different ways, and how you perceive any said circumstance alters your state of mind.

Buddha once said,

All that we are is the result of what we have thought. If a man speaks or acts with an evil thought, pain follows him. If a man speaks or acts with a pure thought, happiness follows him, like a shadow that never leaves him.

So maybe I'm on the right track here, 'cause I got Buddha on my side.

Who says that we can't change? I mean, sure, the way we thought and reacted got us this far, but does that necessarily mean that we are content with how far we've come? No, it doesn't, and if we're not content then why not change?

We all sometimes think that we need something in order to be happy. Some money in the bank, a nicer car, a bigger place, a significant other. If you're not content, that crap isn't going to help you one bit. If we can't be happy alone, with ourselves and nothing else, than we're never going to be as happy as we can be. Now, I assure you that I'm no martyr, and I actually, in no way, follow this train of thought. Yet, realization is the first step towards evolution, isn't it? Regardless, more about me another day.

We're all capable of changing, adapting, and evolving, and if we don't do so, if we continue to remain stagnant and immobile, we'll lose. Some view rainy days as gloomily dreary, days lost to boredom inside, while others view them as perfectly wonderful days to stay in and relish in good books and movie marathons. Why can't we all be part of the latter group?

It surely sounds like it'd be much more fun.